Tips for Friends and Family of Sexual Assault Victims 

Guidelines to Follow:

• A rape experience creates a crisis for the victim; reactions to this crisis tend to be similar to reactions of any major crisis.
• The reactions of people at the initial crisis period can critically affect the victim's subsequent behavior. During this stage, the victim may be extremely sensitive to how she is being treated. Your response to her is important.
• The after-effects of rape may be as traumatic as the rape itself. Added to the distress of the rape for many victims, is their knowledge of the stereotypes many people believe about rape, their own feeling of guilt, and their fears of how other people will react to them.
• You should respond to her by accepting what she says about what happened and how she feels. During the rape, she may not have been thinking logically, she may have done things that you feel show poor judgment; you may find it hard to believe she was raped, for any number of reasons, and her story may be full of discrepancies. However, you should not judge her story by your own frame of mind, or by how you feel you would have reacted; remember that the victim may be confused or in shock. Don't challenge what she says although you may want to ask open-ended questions, or ask her to clarify statements that aren't clear to you.
• The rape may make the victim feel that she has had control over her own life taken away from her. Her participation in contacting people, discussing her options, making decisions, and resuming her normal responsibilities will help her regain a sense of control. It is important for her to sense that her decisions are respected.
• Determine who knows about the rape. The victim's family and friends can provide critical support for her, but they will also be affected by the rape.  Reactions of family and friends may vary widely; they may need to talk about their feelings as much as the victim.
• If the victim does not want to tell the people who are important to her about the rape, her desire should be respected (and you should always be conscious of maintaining the confidentiality of any contact you have with a victim).

Listening

• Let her talk about the experience.
• Give her the chance to talk about her feelings.
• Don't pry or ask for specific details.
• Be there just to listen or sit with her quietly.

Supporting her

• Tell her you care about her and how she is feeling.
• Respond to any emotions she is having as understandable and normal.
• Help her to get professional help.
• Don't be judgmental about her actions before, during, or after the assault; remember that no one has the right to treat another person the way she was treated.

Taking care of yourself

• Recognize your own limitations.
• Suggest she talk with someone who is trained to help sexual assault victims.
• Don't project your feelings onto her, such as anger, blame or frustration. She is not your damaged property; she is a person who has been attacked.
• Seek understanding from a friend or professional counselor. Your feelings matter too.