Brandee M. Appling and family.

The Intersections of a Mother, Wife, Student and School Counselor

By Brandee Appling

“I don’t know how you do it” is a phrase I hear often.  As a graduate student, full-time school counselor, mother, and wife I have a lot on my plate.  However, my story is not so different from many of my fellow graduate students.  Over the last several years, there has been tremendous growth in the diversity of those pursuing graduate degrees.  Included in this diversity are people of color, women, and individuals that enter graduate school as caregivers, full time employees, spouses, and parents.  This shift in diversity has enhanced the access to graduate degrees for many individuals.  Among this shift live women that also identify as mothers.  The multiple and conflicting demands of family, career, and education can negatively affect the graduate school experiences for many women.

Traditional socially and culturally constructed gender norms and attitudes increase the negative experiences and challenges mothers face in their pursuit of a graduate degree. In a patriarchal society such as ours, graduate student moms are sometimes viewed negatively for stepping out of the traditional gender roles created by the dominant culture. As mothers are becoming more involved in nontraditional roles outside of the home, these pervasive attitudes stimulate more challenges in managing family, career, and graduate school.

Many graduate students struggle with finding and maintaining balance between their various roles. In my own experience as a doctoral student, I am constantly negotiating the roles of student and mother.  Juggling so many responsibilities is difficult and often stressful; however, because both roles are extremely important to me I work very hard to find a good balance between the two.  I often experience an internal conflict when trying to prioritize my responsibilities as both mother and student.  Time management, flexibility, as well as family, faculty, and peer support are essential ingredients for a successful matriculation through graduate school. The cohort model used in my program is also a wonderful source of support and strength for me and other cohort members navigating multiple roles.

My journey through graduate school has not been an easy one.  In fact, it is by far the hardest experience of my life.  There are definitely times when I am ready to give up (on school of course, not motherhood).  However, this is a commitment that I made to myself, to pursue my dream.  I cope by sharing this process with my children and my middle school students.  It is my hope that my challenges inspire them and teach them the value of education, determination, and perseverance.  I also rely on my self-efficacy, which plays a huge role in navigating multiple roles as a graduate student. I know I am a good student, even when I doubt myself.  I know I am a great mother, even when I doubt myself.  It is because of the confidence I have in my abilities as both a student and a mother that I am able to persevere through such a rigorous process.  My professors are also a great source of strength and offer a lot of advice and opportunity for personal reflection. The professors also remind us that we must instill self-care as part of our normal routine.  Self-care looks different for everyone for some it may be reading a book, exercising, or hanging out with friends but for me it is playing with my kids and being an active participant in whatever it is they want to do.

I may walk around like I have all the answers and I may make being a graduate student look easy, but I don’t have half the answers and earning my doctorate is very hard work. I work hard to do well and I probably have to work three times as hard as some of my classmates, but it is worth the sleep deprivation, isolation, guilt, stress, and tears when I receive an “A” in a class because I know how hard I worked to earn that grade.

As you reflect on your personal graduate school experiences take time to understand how you experience your varying roles through the intersection of your multiple identities including race, ethnicity, gender identity, socioeconomic status, sexual orientation, age, ability status, and religion.  How do these intersections affect your graduate school experience?  Consider how privilege has contributed to your successful matriculation through your graduate program. What do you need from others in your life to support your education?  Finally, do not forget to take time for yourself and practice self-care.